To Be Positive or Not to Be Positive, that is the question

Many people try to always stay positive no matter what. This is used to be my attitude to get through life then Terry lost his kidneys and everything changed. 

I tried to stay positive but I've learned over the last 18 years of his dialysis treatments and a failed kidney transplant that sometimes life sucks and it's okay to admit it and react to it. There are good days and bad days then there are really bad days. The kind of days that make us want to crawl out of our skin or makes me want to ball till my eyes swell shut. 

Then there are times when we laugh even though the shit has hit the fan. That is Terry coping mechanism and I've embraced it. He makes me laugh sometimes so hard that I cry. When the going gets tough his jokes and humor get better. 

We both have bad days, thank God they're usually not at the same time! We allow it, embrace the suck and know that tomorrow is a new day. These feelings can't be ignored, since his early 20s Terry has battled renal failure. It is not easy and it is not easy for me watch. Our lives as a young married couple just starting our family was forever changed. Yes, it has challenged, taught and strengthen us...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger..all that jazz.  At the same time it has robbed us of what we thought our lives would be. All of our dreams and ambitions seemed so much farther away.

To be honest, sometimes I can't look at our wedding photos...it's just to hard, I'll lose it. Don't get me wrong, I thank God that I didn't lose Terry in our 20s. We've had some great times togeather, one of them being our youngest child. 

I guess the goal beside just keep going is to let out the emotions as they come and they always come. Let them out instead of dwelling on them or hiding them. Letting them out hurts at the time but it is freeing and makes room for an inner peace that's hard to explain, I know many of you have felt it. 

When the fear comes or thoughts of what I'll do without the love of my life, I let them go and bring my attention to the now. I enjoy every moment I have with him, no use in worrying about when I'll lose him. Nor to spend every extra moment tryinh to champion for a kidney donor. God willing we'll find a match for Terry to give him his best chance and quality of life.

This to shall pass....has a whole new meaning to us now. ❤